youth camp (pre)

"pre" as in it has not happened yet. but it's happening this Thursday and i absolutely can't freaking wait.

i like camps. and this camp is by the sea side in Teluk Batik. double win. it's my church camp with my beloved youth group. triple win.

i don't know how to face him under such.... narrow (??) conditions. i'm almost feeling claustrophobic already.
i think i'm gonna have fun.
i think i'm gonna experience God. actually on Saturday i kinda told God what i expected out of this camp BUT God already gave me the answers on Sunday. so now i'm trying to think of something new to expect. so cute la my God. :3

i bought a dress and a nail polish today. the theme for camp night is "Twisted Fairy Tales" and i'm going as little mermaid from a polluted sea. so i bought this dark long dress with seashell motifs all over it. it looks cool but costs me a freaking 80 bucks and i have nothing to justify it other than the very simple fact that it was love at first sight. not a good enough excuse. :/ since i like the sea so much and i'm gonna be studying Marine Bio in the near future, little mermaid seems like the right choice. i know there are people going as Snow White and Red Riding Hood and stuff. but come on, admit it, a mermaid is way cooler, what more one from the increasingly polluted ocean? so it's all dark and edgy stuff. i'm asking Bird to paint my nails tomorrow. bought this sky blue nail polish from Faceshop just now. i know the sea is not supposed to be sky blue but i just thought it'd look better with the black shatter. it's suppose to symbolize the polluted sea, you know, oil spill on the surface of the ocean?

yes, aku ini genius tahap Einstein. :)

i think Gaj has a sea shell belt. i think. and i think she has all the accessories i need. and then i need to borrow her eyeliner and mascara. and some dark green eyeshadow if she has them. hahah. i'd probably be little swamp monster than little mermaid. :D the dress looks kinda frumpy though, thanks to the dull dark color, but i've devised a new way to wear it that is totally chic and makes the dress look younger.

i can't wait!

and there's this new guy. *sigh*. he's nice. but the whole thing feels very number-3-ish. if you know what i mean. but he's cool. i like him. but not too much yet. looking forward to know him more this camp. ;)

moving too fast

this time, i'm not complaining about time. time is okay. maybe because i've gotten used to it.

but people. when they happen too fast too soon, i feel afraid. because they'll go too fast too soon too.

i prefer if it takes a hundred years. you come in one step at a time. like how you approach an unfamiliar cat. slow. let me get used to the invasion. let me, let you come in according to my timing.

it freaks me out when you just barge in. don't blame me if i shoot you down with a shotgun. don't blame me if i hate you, and lock you out forever. don't blame me if you get scratched and hurt. believe me, i'll do anything to defend my territory.

and once i kick you out, you might not be allowed to ever come in again.










which is exactly why i feel comfortable around you.

change your mind, please?

what's pissing me off so badly right now is that i know there's not really anything i could do to make you change your mind. because you would ask me why, and i won't be able to answer you because i don't want to tell you the truth.

might as well tell you the truth here since i can't in real life.

let's start with this: I'm a very selfish person. because every reason I'm going to tell you is more or less based on that fact.

OK. i am extremely fascinated by you. by the way you think, the way you act, the way you are you. therefore, i want to know you more than what i already know. i want deep meaningful talks over coffee. i want to read your mind like a book. i want to keep you like how i would keep good books. i want you to be part of my future library. 

yes, it's all about me. like i told you, I'm selfish. i see, i like, i want to keep it. the thing is, i can't do that to you. you wouldn't let me. and even if you let me, i will not allow myself to do it because -OK, this part's a bit cliche- you're like a bird.

will you still be able to be you if i lock you in a cage?

the thing with us is, we're so alike and different at the same time. the boundaries that brought us together, will separate us when they're gone. the irony of life. the irony of us.

and after watching the video about Alzheimer, i can understand why you made this decision. but seriously? i think it's just a waste. wouldn't you want to leave a legacy? wouldn't you want to contribute something to mankind? wouldn't you want to use whatever knowledge you have to inspire, to influence, to.... ugh i can't think of any better word, but isn't that why you chose this job in the first place? and you of all people should know that it is impossible to learn EVERYTHING. something new is being discovered every second on this Earth, wouldn't it be better if you can live to see it?

that being said, my second reason for changing your mind is not so much for myself, but more for you yourself. and for the benefit of  the entire humankind too, if you will.

i would ask you why are you so confused, you would ask me why am i so rigid. i like having serious intellectual debates with you. i like talking to you. in fact, this is exactly what i want right now at this very moment. to talk to you, to know if we share the same views on certain issues, to discover what made you you. i want your voice in my head just like last time.

hoooohhh, that was a lot of words for something you're probably not gonna ever read. but i feel better now that I've let my frustration out. but still, i really hope you can undecide what you've decide. let's be birds together. let's not be so cautious around each other. thank you for caring. thank you reading my tweets. thank you for lending me books. thank you for everything. 

PS: (this is gonna be the anti-climax, but i feel it necessary) no, i don't like you, at least not in that way. this, is strictly platonic. understand? but if my mind could make love with your mind I'd probably do it anyway. and  have kids burst out of our heads like how Athena burst out of Zeus's. hope that made you feel awkward and uncomfortable. thanks. now I'm gonna go dig a hole and hide in it for almost eternity.

learn things and get smart

get smart.

i don't know if my recovery can be counted as fast, because it felt like centuries have past. to me at least.

and i won't credit myself for recovering so soon. because it wasn't me. it wasn't really the dream either. it was God. say what you want. i'll continue to stand firm in Him.

of course, standing firm doesn't mean i didn't have doubts. heck, i doubt all the time. it's a compulsive behavior, ingrained human nature that we can just never get rid of. but God has answers to everything, and THAT is what surprises me all the time.

his response when he saw my hair: this is not really short la, i thought you meant short like your sister's.

and in that instance i felt like i've wasted RM25.

was it necessary? as usual, i argue with myself. yes. no. of course it's necessary. no it's the stupidest thing you've done.

actually it's necessary. because i felt like these few days i was being rebuilt. restored. and when all these started i was having short hair. shorter than what i'm having now. i find myself coming back in pieces. in shards. but it's all coming back.

the walls. they remain broken. i don't know why but i lack the energy, the will to build them again. something said enough. enough of all these walls. your heart is stronger now. no need for walls.

scars. they make me stronger. thank you.

i'd rather be a boss than a princess

"All guys should learn from Mario. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her."

hello. remember me? i was your princess once.

yesterday night i had a dream. it's about a fairy tale that involved a shrek-like figure and a princess. and when i woke up i felt.... healed. seriously, i woke up singing "I'M A SURVIVOR!" and "So you can keep the diamond ring, it don't mean nothing anyway!"

i don't know but sometimes, it is so simple. you sleep. you wake up. you're healed. i don't know what God did to my soul with that dream, but.... yeah.

oh yeah. i cut my hair yesterday. short. to be honest i miss having long sexy hair. but i think this is crucial if i really wanna move on. because you see, he likes girls with long hair.

i know it sounds stupid like i'm changing myself for a guy yada yada yada, but seriously?! if you're going to walk in a dark alley at night would you dress in spaghetti straps and hot pants? didn't think so. you'd probably dress like a ninja, complete with the sword.

exactly what i'm doing right now.

"if you ever had to choose between two people, always go for the second one. because if you had really loved the first one, you wouldn't even have noticed the second one."

in a way i'm telling you to go. by cutting my hair i've eliminated any comparison between me and her. you like girls with long hair right? now i have short hair and she has long. so go for it. in a way what i'm trying to say is that i'm out, said it from the start i'm not going to fight.

in a way i'm saying i won't hold you to the promises you've made. in a way i'm giving you the excuse to stop holding on, to give up, to let go. in a way i'm saying, "see, i cut my hair short when i know you don't like it. since i don't care about you anymore, i give you permission to do the same."

in a way i'm saying all these things without saying a word. because i'm tired. i know you are too. you said it yourself you're starting to doubt. see, i told you at the very beginning. feelings are nothing, words mean nothing also. they can change. they can disappear. they can be forgotten. they can be given up on. since the start i've already doubted you. maybe it's just my self-fulfilling prophecy when you stop proving me wrong, but still, it meant what it meant. i can't unsee what i saw, and i can't unfeel what i felt.

i used to think women who hold on to abusive relationships are extremely stupid. but now i know how it feels. firstly, they feel like they deserve what they got. that it's their fault that they are abused. they feel like the guy is the best they will ever get, because no matter how hard he punches them, he's the only one that will ever love them.

and i think this is also a factor. because they saw how he was like before he became abusive. how sweet and gentlemanly he was. how caring and affectionate. how humorous, how intelligent, how loving, how soft, how special he made them feel. and that is what they are holding on to all this while. that he is not who he "really" is, or he's just "not being himself". that one day the old "him will come back and they will live happily ever after again.

ok, i know what i'm going through now is not exactly an abusive relationship. at least not physically. but it feels abusive alright, how we're always hurting each other. i don't know how i can say this without portraying him in a bad light. he was a gentleman before this, and now he's just..... not. that's all i can say. i was shocked, i felt guilty, thought it was myself to blame for this change in behavior, i even thought that i had made a mistake because he is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to my life.

i know it sounds crazy but you won't believe how badly i've beaten myself up because of him. and now i'm saying stop. stop. stop everything. cut my hair. i don't need you. you don't need me. it's like every good thing in my life was eclipsed by this. stupid right? i'll stop being stupid, and be myself instead.

to break some bridges and rebuild some walls

They say, "the higher you build the walls around your heart, the harder you fall when someone tears them down."

sometimes i wonder when will i ever learn.

maybe one day, my walls will be high enough to scare people off the moment they see them.

it will be so high they will think to themselves that it is not worth their time.

i have learnt, that my walls weren't too strong. it's time to break some bridges. and to rebuild some walls. i have to guard my heart. because it trusts too blindly.

i will learn now. and again. to keep a more-than-safe distance between myself and the humanity around me. i will learn not to tear those walls down myself, so i won't be left in the end, bloodied but empty-handed.

i have learnt all these before. but made the fatal mistake of choosing to ignore them. it is time, to break some bridges, and to rebuild some walls.

may they keep me safe and away. may they keep me untouchable. it is, perhaps, time to live alone again.

what is happening to us, and why are we hurting each other so much?

all i asked for is for us to be friends. but for now, i feel like we're just strangers, or worse, enemies.

i have a feeling you hate me. why? can you prove me wrong again? just like how you always did? i know, it is all my fault, i brought all these pain and hurt to you and if anything should happen i brought it upon myself. but can you don't make it so freaking unbearable for me?

i miss those times when we'll laugh over any lame stuff we said. now you don't even want to talk anymore. do you know how much it hurts when you asked me to keep quiet?

i just want to be friends, damnit! FRIENDS. like you and ah lian. so normal. so innocent. friendship.

you can't even give me that? is that too hard for you?

i don't know what else to say, but i don't want you to be someone i just used to know. all that we had, gone in an instance. i don't know what feeling is this, all i know is that i have been crying a lot lately thinking about you. feeling so damn guilty but unable to do anything. feeling like a damn failure because i can't do anything right. and i hate this feeling.

i won't ask you to wait for me. if you can't take this, feel free to give up. i know you said you won't give up, but that's the thing with being human, we change. actually i rather you be the one to give up first, because i don't think i wanna hurt you more than i should. i, on the other hand, have been through this hundreds of times, so you don't have to worry about hurting me, i'll get through it. i just don't want to hurt you, okay?

i can't even bear to look at your messages. because they're too good to be true. but seriously, don't mind me, just go on with your life if you find it too hard to hold on. you have no obligations towards me. i'll get through this maybe even faster than you do.