making life difficult for myself

yes, i am a pro at that.

good news: it feels so damn comfortable now.

bad news: it's stage 4 in Wong Fu's short video Strangers, Again.

just the start of a downfall. and guess what the next stage is?

Stage 5 Tolerance – Excuses make to make distance

i really really really really really really don't want to be awkward around you. cos you're like the best one i have now, and i don't wanna lose you to some lame feelings.

i get scared. when someone comes into my life and reminds me of HIM or HER. when he or she feels like that two people, i get freaked out that our friendship or whatever relationship would end in a failure. do you know how long it took me to slightly get over the both of them??!

there's something wrong with me already, it's like I've malfunction. some very optimistic people will say I've "evolved", but no, i think the right word should be "malfunctioning". the emotional part of me. after the whole Aleen thing, i suddenly became this very cold person. which i never realised until i did the personality test in Study Skills that day. i was usually the giver. but this time i got the lowest score for that.

and i just found out that.... i sort of see my friends as temporary people in my life only. and i don't even care about helping people anymore. and i find saying no super easy now. and i don't mind being a bitch when the need arises. and friends are not even in my priority list anymore. and i avoid commitment of any form except to God. it's like i could turn back on my friends just as soon they do something wrong or whenever i feel like it.

am i doing that to avoid getting hurt again? i don't know. but it seems likely. because I'm afraid they might be another Aleen. or another HIM. I'm not just talking about the new friends i meet in college. my old friends too. I'm tired and confused. i don't know how to fix this malfunctioning part. i really want to trust. i want to believe in humanity. my college mates are awesome.

OK, maybe I'm just being overly imaginative. but just to be safe, let's just be friends first, for now.